Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Hawthornes Are In MemphASS.

 The Hawthornes are in Memphis, Tennessee.

Here's my To-Do list for Memphis:
1)  Check out the Peabody ducks.
2)  Take pics of Graceland.
3)  Check out the downtown murals.
4)  Take pics of that big pyramid building, even though it's a Bass Pro Shop.
5)  Go to the Crystal Shrine Grotto.
6.  Check out Beale Street, the Home of the Blues.

You see?
I had my day all planned out.

Mr. Hawthorne and I got up early and waited for the hotel breakfast to open up at 6AM.

That's when I overheard some fellers talking about parking lot breakins.
So's I run out to the parking lot and check on our truck parked directly under the street lamp.

I called 911 about 6:10 that morning and guess what.
I get a recording saying "all lines are busy" and to "please stay on the line."

That would be the Hawthorne Truck.

Lowlife thieves broke out the passenger side window, grabbed anything in a bag with a strap on it.
I hadn't used my Nikon D80, 80-300mm lens, fish eye lens, polarizing filters, extra batteries, chargers, or connectors that day, so that bag was left behind my seat.  And yes, of course it was taken.

When I go into a hotel for the night, I only take in a small bag of whatever I'm changing into and my toiletries.  So the big luggage case which I'd just purchased before the trip was left in the truck. And yes, of course it was taken.  With all my clothes except what I had on and what I was planning to wear the next day.  Which happened to be what I had on.  So my favorite and ONLY pair of jeans was taken.  All my favorite T-shirts were taken which included Daughter Hawthorne's winning T-shirt design for N2 publishing, my Straight Outta Colington t-shirts, numerous Billy's Seafood t-shirts, my shocking pink Piggly Wiggly t-shirt from RoRo, my Bubba's Seafood t-shirt from Uncle Bubba's (brother of Pauler Dean) now-defunct Savannah restaurant, and assorted other favorite t-shirts from all over the country.  My Averett University hoodie my good friend Maxine gave me.  A 17th Street sweatshirt Youngest Hawthorne gave me for my birthday.  My chef pants with lemons all over them Middle Hawthorne gave me for Christmas.  And all my underwear.  And some other stuff I can't bring myself to remember or think of.  Oh yeah.  I woke up in the middle of the night last night, yelling that they'd taken my roll of laundry quarters.

And you know how when you buy those luggage sets, they have all the smaller luggage pieces inside like Russian dolls?  Well, I had a big case about 3 feet long and 8-10 inches wide and 6-8 inches deep which had all my books in it.  Travel books.  Atlases.  National Geographic National Park books.  National Geographic All The Places You Want To Go books.  National Geographic The Hundred Best Road Trips books.  North Carolina Travel Books with all the waterfalls and every county and where to go.  My paper back books.  AAA books.  I guess they can use all those travel books and atlases to find out where to go next to steal shit.  I can't even remember what else was in there.  But it was a lot of stuff.  Yeah.  They took all that.

Daughter Hawthorne won a T-shirt contest!
Well, not that kind of t-shirt contest.
It was a design contest for N2 Publishing.
And she designed N2 in sign language.
And won.
I had a gray t-shirt and a black t-shirt
with N2 in sign language on it,
so if you see some badass in Memphis
wearing this T-shirt, call the cops.

More stolen items.

And they took Mr. Hawthorne's Nikon binoculars I'd given him a hundred years ago.



Memphis police showed up within 15 minutes of my call.
They dusted for fingerprints. 
They had to wait until after 10am for the Quality Inn and Suites manager at 1335 McRee St. in Memphis, TN, phone # 901-372-2700, to come and unlock the security cameras.  And I must say, the fellow behind the desk at the hotel didn't seem to give a rat's ass.
A light-colored Nissan Ultima was identified, but quality was not enough to make out the tags.

I imagine the luggage with the clothes and books was tossed.

I love irony.  Check out the sign.  "User Assumes All Risks."

Next on our agenda that morning was a call to Safelite in Southaven, Mississippi, to fix the window.
Now, about Safelite.  Don't believe that commercial you see about the soccer mom where the guy actually comes to the game and fixes the window and high-fives the daughter on winning the game and everything is all rainbows and butterflies and peaches and cream.
They said:
A)  They could show up between 12 and 2 at the Quality Inn. (No doubt we'd still be waiting.)
B)  We could drive there and get it repaired.
We opted for B and drove to Southaven, Missippissi, since it was 15 minutes away and we got a 9am appointment.
We got there a little after 8:30.
Round about 1-2, they announced that the regulator was broken.  They called and located the regulator at a parts store in Memphis.  We could wait for someone to bring the regulator to us or we could go ourselves and pick it up.
We went back to Memphis to pick up the regulator.  Another 30 minutes or so.
We finally left Safelite about 3pm. 
SIX HOURS!!!!!!!!

And now there's a noise that used to not be there when you roll the window up or down.
And there's a big gash in the material on the door right under the window.


OK, Rosie.  Take deep breaths.

Breathe in...  Breath out...
Think kittens.  Puppies.  Chocolate.  Cake and ice cream.
THEN,  Mr. Hawthorne asks me where do I want to go.
The ducks were out of the question.  They only perform at 11 and 5.
So I said let's drive by Graceland and let me shoot a picture.

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  Check out my pictures of Graceland!
That's from outside the gate.
What?  You don't recognize Graceland?
I don't think Elvis would either.

Then, as if to add insult to injury, Mr. Hawthorne asks me, "So where do you want to go now?"
And I reply, "Let's go to the cemetery and check out the Crystal Grotto.  A cemetery always perks me up!"
So, I enter "Crystal Grotto" into the Garmin and we start a-drivin'.  And then I look at the Garmin and it's telling me the damn cemetery is getting ready to close.
All I want to do is get the hell out of Memphis and never come back.

But wait!
We're leaving Memphis and going across this bridge and I look over into the distance.
And there's the PYRAMID!!!!  The Bass Pro Shops Pyramid!

So I grab my camera to shoot a picture of the Bass Pro Pyramid.

And a train goes by on the other bridge, blocking the pyramid.

 I want to follow this truck!
But our exit is on the immediate right.

Goodbye, MemphASS!

Watch out Mr. Hawthorne. 
Be glad there's not a desert nearby.
  Rosie's working on her very last nerve.

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