Rosie Learns The Perils Of Texting.

Mr. Hahathorne got me a SMARTPhone for my birthday last week. Just to show me how truly NOT SMART I am. Thanks. I think. The reason I wanted a new phone was because I wanted to communicate with my children. Are you sitting there, scratching your head, at reading that crap? Because I am. I have realized ... over how many years??!!?? ... that my children don't answer a phone. They have caller ID. They see me. And they don't answer. They only text. I actually got a hold of Daughter Hawthorne's phone one time, about 10 years ago, and looked at the attached notes to her incoming calls, and when I called her, it would read, "OH SHIT." A few weeks ago, I finally threw in the towel and started texting. My children responded within minutes. Texting is power. I got tired of my $16 Walmart phone. I always thought 0-9 would be enough for me. Alas, I caved in to technology and arrived, screaming, into a very insecure place. The DROID place. I have 4 GB. Someone, please tell me what that means. Anyways, let's get back to the texting with my chilluns. Daughter Hawthorne is ill. I'm worried about her. The only communication we have is that Messenger Thingie on my Home Page of my LG phone. Or at least that's the only thing she responds to. So's back to the texting. Everything's going fine and we're saying our g'bys and I type in, "Please say hello to Giada and Dogwood." I hit send and then found out what Autocorrect did to me.

What I typed was: PLEASE SAY HELLO TO GIADA AND DOGWOOD.

What I got was: PLEASE SAY JELLO TO GUADALOUPE AND DOGWOOD.

My Feedjit.

The following is from my Feedjit, which shows me when someone comes to my blog and how they got here. Some people come directly by typing in "kitchensaremonkeybusiness.com" and others Google something and for some cyber-crazy reason, end up here. The links in pink are what people Googled to get here. Bloomington, Indiana arrived on "Kitchens Are Monkey Business".

17:36:10 -- 1 minute ago

Rockville, Maryland arrived from google.com on "Kitchens Are Monkey Business: Rosie Makes Tamarind Chicken." by searching for "pati jinich" nude.

17:35:01 -- 3 minutes ago

United States arrived from google.com on "Kitchens Are Monkey Business: What People Google And How They End Up On My Blog." by searching for google my pussy.

10:35:50 -- 10 minutes ago

Bloomington, Indiana left via 2.bp.blogspot.com from "Kitchens Are Monkey Business"

10:32:53 -- 13 minutes ago

Hmmmm.

Within minutes in each case, someone from Bloomington, Indiana visited.

Coincidence?

Or not...

Oysters In Clarified Butter.

Clarified butter.
 Oysters steamed just enough so they're easier to open.

I dipped the oyster into some of my Parmesan/Paprika/sugar mixture
 that I use on my grilled oysters.
 1 cup grated Parmesan
 3-4 TB Hot Hungarian Paprika
1 TB sugar

What is clarified butter, you ask?
Butter is made up of butterfat, milk solids, and water.
Clarified butter is the translucent golden butterfat
left over after the milk solids and water are removed.

All you do is gently melt unsalted butter over low heat.
 The foam on the surface is the butter's water content boiling off.
 The white residue is the milk solids separating out.

As the butter continues to simmer,
ladle the foam and milk solids from the surface.

Continue skimming.

In a few minutes,
you will have skimmed off most of the solids,
 leaving pure, yellow butterfat.
 Because clarified butter is pure butterfat,
it's great for sauteeing
because it has a higher smoke point than ordinary butter.
 Regular butter starts to smoke around 350 degrees,
 while clarified butter can be heated to 450 degrees.
 Clarified butter also works well in emulsified sauces
 like a Hollandaise or a Bernaise.
The water in regular butter tends to make the emulsion break,
and clarified butter, with the water removed,
 eliminates this problem.

One must wonder what Georgia O'Keefe
 might have drawn had she lived on the coast
 and not out in the dessert.
 Hmmmm.

Frank, on Everybody Loves Raymond,
contemplates Marie's sculpture.

Oh wait.
 Are those Lisa Rinna's lips?

Bushel #2 is gone.
 Come on, bushel #3!

Gotta Love Chef Ann Burrell.

"We're gonna brrrrrrown the crrrrap outta this until we get crrrrrrud!" Yum Nummy!

Caesar Salad With Oysters.

Mar and Ver wanted fried oysters. You know who you are. I give you fried oysters on Caesar Salad. With semi-croutons.

We're still on our second bushel of oysters and looking for different ways to enjoy these bivalve mollusks. Tonight, Mr. Hawthorne fixed a Caesar Salad with fried oysters and croutons.

Mr. Hawthorne is quite the little shucker.

I buy these baguettes from Schwann's and always have some in my freezer. They're great to make quick croutons out of. They come in a package of three and Mr. Hawthorne calls them "briquettes." Bake according to package directions, (375 degrees for maybe 12 minutes), cool, then pull into pieces. Saute in butter and olive oil along with some garlic and herbs of your choice. Parsley. Sage. Rosemary. Thyme. Oregano. Whatever. Place in low, slow oven until crisp.

Rosie's Caesar Salad dressing: 4-6 cloves garlic 1 tin anchovies, drained and rinsed 2 lemons 2 TB Dijon mustard 2 TB Lea & Perrins Worcestershire sauce 1 large egg, coddled 1 - 1 1/2 cups olive oil (I use ELBOO. That's Extra Light Bertolli Olive Oil.) 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese (I use Il Villagio from the Teeter.) Mince garlic and coarse chop anchovies then mash into a paste. A mortar and pestle works well here. Whisk in the juice of 2 lemons. Add 2 TB Dijon mustard and 2 TB Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce. Whisk in 1 coddled egg. To coddle an egg, boil water and let the egg sit in the boiled water for one minute. Consider the egg coddled and whisk it in. Slowly whisk in a thin stream of olive oil to emulsify. Add in about 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese.

Hits the spot every time. Enjoy.

Giada. Revisited.

I haven't watched Giada for a while. Had her on in the background this morning and noticed some things never change. I'll have the bowl o' boobs soup, please, with a side of foodgasm.

Oysters Ranchera For Mr. Hawthorne.

We're still chipping away at our second bushel of oysters. Tonight, I'm making Oysters Ranchera.

Happy little shucked oysters awaiting their toppings.

Ingredients: Mr. Hawthorne's Salsa Ranchera grated mozzarella cheese combination of Panko and Ritz

Top each oyster with Salsa Ranchera. You do not want to overpower the oysters by the toppings.

Add a little cheese.

Finish with Panko and Ritz.

Ready for the broiler. Just a quick trip under. You want the toppings slightly browned. That is all. Remember, you cannot undercook an oyster, but you sure as hell can overcook one.

You want the oysters warmed through, but still plump and oceany.

That's the ticket.

Anyone have any suggestions for mo' oysters? I'm open.