The Next Food Network Star Sunday Marathon And Guy Fietti - BUSTED!

I'm watching The Next Food Network Star Marathon today. All episodes. Just to refresh and reconfirm my personal and culinary points of view that I basically hated most all of the contestants. My favorites from the first episode were Jeffrey and Melissa. And it's down to Melissa and Jeffrey. Melissa's perkiness and eagerness to please has bothered me intensely since Day 1. And God only knows, if she wins, how the Food Network is going to take her personality and make a caricature out of it. Plus, I don't like how she wears her "I'm a stay-at-home Mom" badge. But, given that, she's poised and she has learned to turn the frenzy down a notch, i.e., she's very smart and has listened to Kermit and Medusa and actually heeded them. Every suggestion they've given Melissa, she's grabbed it like a dog with a bone. She's listening to the FN program and buying it and it's working for her. Jeffrey, I've liked from Day 1. He's calm. He's knowledgeable. He can cook. He exudes confidence. Nothing rattles him. He's unflappable. And at this point, after saying all that, I'm thinking, "Saronaya, Jeffrey. Don't let the Food Network Studio's door hit you in the ass on your way out." I would watch him. But, he's also too "Zen" for the FN. Tushie actually used the word Zen when talking about Jeffrey. Jeffrey hasn't changed from the way he was at the beginning, which was a comforting, engaging, informative, knowledgeable personae. He's a wonderful "product" for Food Network, but I don't think he'd change from his basic self and evolve into whatever character Food Network opts for him to become. And I can't see Jeffrey ever wanting to do that. For that, I applaud him. Jeffrey also has a way with words when describing the flavors in his dishes and how they interact and play with each other. And that's really not all that easy to do - describe tastes and flavors and textures and smells, and aromas. Trust me on that. That said, Melissa will probably win. She's very eager, somewhat like an excited puppy, and she seems quite malleable. Like clay in the hands of Bob and Susie. Looking forward to 9PM. Now, on to the point of this post. (Remember, I'm watching The Next Food Network Star Marathon on Sunday afternoon, leading up to the Season Finale.) On the 4th episode, when the contestants are on the Intrepid Sea, Air, and Space Museum, Melissa is running out to do her presentation, and Guy Fieri, being the total tool he is, takes his time on national TV to check out Melissa's booty.

Check it out:

Now, THAT'S MONEY!
 Asshat.

Guy Fieri: The Next White Meat.

I stopped in at Guy Fieri: The Next White Meat

on one of the fun blogs I frequent,

Food Network Humor.

Why, there's a contest.

A pork contest.

Come up with a pork "tip,"

create an original recipe

surrounding the tip,

and send in a less-than-two-minute video

of you pitching your "tip"/"message."

Here are the Rules and Regulations

for the Pork Contest.

I urged Mr. Hawthorne to enter and

become The Next Pork Personality!

He asked me when the contest ended.

He wants to know the last possible day he can enter this.

Need I say that he's late for everything?

I looked at the rules and regulations

and it said August 31, 2009.

Whoot!

That's his birthday!

And I'm urging him to go at this contest full force.

He's a shoo-in.

Karma!

First I told him about the pork "tip."

I could look at his face and know he was wondering

what part of the pig is the tip?

No. No. NO.

It means "tip,"

like an informative message.

I know what these contests are looking for.

Something easy and simple to draw in the stoopid masses

and a draw, like the "tip,"

to lure you and draw you in,

then an original recipe

has to wrap up the "tip" in a pretty package.

Can't have too many ingredients in that package either.

Else you'll overwhelm the masses.

It's like when the contestants are on

The Next Food Network STAR!!!!

And Susie (Medusa) Fogelson and Bob (Kermit) Tuschman

grill the contestants on a spit

about their "CULINARY POINT OF VIEW."

Make it succinct!

Tell me what you are in one sentence.

Tell me what your food is in one sentence.

Be articulate.

(Be articulate. That's a joke.

Look who won last year's The Next Food Network Star -

mush-mouth Aaron McCargo.)

Back to the Rules and Regulations.

I thought this very telling:

"The judges will give good faith and meaningful consideration

to the three (3) finalists' performances based on the following criteria:

Originality (20%)

Creativity (30%)

Clear communication of a pork tip or message (30%)

Ability to communicate effectively (20%)."

Notice, there is no mention of TASTE.

Whatsoever.

None at all.

It's ALL about the PERSONALITY.

And the more grating

and the more over-the-top,

and the more in-your-face,

the better.

Well, I guess Mr. Hawthorne

isn't that much of a shoo-in after all.

I remember on one of the Next Food Network Star competitions,

Bob and Susie were all over one of the contestants

to "turn up the volume," "amp it up," "go all out," blahblahblah.

And the contestant responded,

"But I didn't want to seem like a jackass,"

to which one on the judges panel responded,

"But sometimes we want to see your jackass."

Typical.

Well, they got Guy Fieri

and he's jackass all over and then some.