Guy Fieri: The Next White Meat.

I stopped in at Guy Fieri: The Next White Meat

on one of the fun blogs I frequent,

Food Network Humor.

Why, there's a contest.

A pork contest.

Come up with a pork "tip,"

create an original recipe

surrounding the tip,

and send in a less-than-two-minute video

of you pitching your "tip"/"message."

Here are the Rules and Regulations

for the Pork Contest.

I urged Mr. Hawthorne to enter and

become The Next Pork Personality!

He asked me when the contest ended.

He wants to know the last possible day he can enter this.

Need I say that he's late for everything?

I looked at the rules and regulations

and it said August 31, 2009.

Whoot!

That's his birthday!

And I'm urging him to go at this contest full force.

He's a shoo-in.

Karma!

First I told him about the pork "tip."

I could look at his face and know he was wondering

what part of the pig is the tip?

No. No. NO.

It means "tip,"

like an informative message.

I know what these contests are looking for.

Something easy and simple to draw in the stoopid masses

and a draw, like the "tip,"

to lure you and draw you in,

then an original recipe

has to wrap up the "tip" in a pretty package.

Can't have too many ingredients in that package either.

Else you'll overwhelm the masses.

It's like when the contestants are on

The Next Food Network STAR!!!!

And Susie (Medusa) Fogelson and Bob (Kermit) Tuschman

grill the contestants on a spit

about their "CULINARY POINT OF VIEW."

Make it succinct!

Tell me what you are in one sentence.

Tell me what your food is in one sentence.

Be articulate.

(Be articulate. That's a joke.

Look who won last year's The Next Food Network Star -

mush-mouth Aaron McCargo.)

Back to the Rules and Regulations.

I thought this very telling:

"The judges will give good faith and meaningful consideration

to the three (3) finalists' performances based on the following criteria:

Originality (20%)

Creativity (30%)

Clear communication of a pork tip or message (30%)

Ability to communicate effectively (20%)."

Notice, there is no mention of TASTE.

Whatsoever.

None at all.

It's ALL about the PERSONALITY.

And the more grating

and the more over-the-top,

and the more in-your-face,

the better.

Well, I guess Mr. Hawthorne

isn't that much of a shoo-in after all.

I remember on one of the Next Food Network Star competitions,

Bob and Susie were all over one of the contestants

to "turn up the volume," "amp it up," "go all out," blahblahblah.

And the contestant responded,

"But I didn't want to seem like a jackass,"

to which one on the judges panel responded,

"But sometimes we want to see your jackass."

Typical.

Well, they got Guy Fieri

and he's jackass all over and then some.