Monday, June 1, 2009

Food Network: Has It Gone Downhill?

Food Network: Has It Gone Downhill?
First, there's the uber-annoying Rachael Ray, cheapest tipper I've ever seen, apparently sporting some tribal necklace made of bones, and wearing a dress that she just really shouldn't wear, (Does she not have a mirror or a stylist? If she has a stylist then Rachael should fire her 'cause she's not doing girlfriend any favors.) and her slovenly husband who could and should, at any time, benefit from a haircut, shave, and shower. He does look a bit Neanderthal in this photo, doesn't he.
Second, there's Lard Weasel/Tater Tot/Douche/Tool/General Ass, with his tats, bling, sweat bands, spiked bleached hair, nasty goatee, and sun glasses which he usually toolishly wears on the back of his head. His kitchen is more like an arcade what with the pinball machines, pool table, wide screen TV's with Extreme Sports always on. It's kind of like a frat boy hangout in the rents' basement. And he has posse of creepy, goony, homies with names like Kleetus, Bags, The Spaniard, Mikey G, Mustard, and Dirty P (Is that referring to a failed drug test?). He makes girlie drinks and has a communal group suck of his "Grape Ape Bowla," served in a fish bowl, which I heard as Grape Ebola. His catch-phrases annoy me to no end: "On like donkey kong!" "Off da hook!" "That's money, I tell ya!" "Let's go down town shopping." (As he turns to his refrigerator, opens the door, and gets out ingredients.) His most egregious catch phrase was on his web site: "Rock out with your cock out!" Thankfully, that's been taken out. This is not a grown man. This is a stunted poseur. A pudgy wanna-be surfer dude wearing board shorts who so wants to be hip and cool but fails miserably and spectacularly. Here's Guido's web site if you have the strength to look at it. And Guy Twitters too. I know. Fascinating stuff. And, God help us, his homey/groupie Kleetus, a dazzling virtuouso of words, has a blog.
This man disgusts me. If I have to watch him shove mass quantities of grease-laden food into his gaping maw one more time with the grease dribbling down his chin I will scream. When he comes on, I actually want to throw things at my TV.
And third, what would Food Network be without our drunken Aunt Sandy, trilling "It's cocktail time!" Oh Sandy? Whoever does your makeup should work on your sun-damaged chest too. Just saying. Her Sandy Math on her new program, "Money Sucking Meals" eludes me and I must say I miss her Cocktail Time with her staggering ratios of booze to more booze and with choking hazards/gernishes in her drinks. And I especially miss her tablescapes. I want my Semi-Ho back!
I had to stop short of crazy-cacklin'-crappin'-in-the-driveway-
with her two sad-sack boys,
Beavis and Butthead,
or Dumber and Dumber,
or Most Beloved and Least Loved
or else my brain was going to explode.
Has Food Network gone downhill? You be the judge.


Marion said...

....I just wish they'd bring back "Melting Pot" (where else could you watch good chefs and supermodels?), the Surreal Gourmet, and Sara Moulton. And don't, and I do mean don't, get me started on Pauler.

Buckykatt said...

That is the funniest post you've made in a while. Loved the Guy Fieri rant. Those pictures are priceless

Anonymous said...

I'm a big fan of your blog and I'm delurking here with my .02 cents.

FN has definitely gone downhill. I'm so heartily sick of all those stupid cake, ice cream, bbq, insert food type challenge shows. Don't even get me started about NFNWS. Guy is mildly entertaining and is really gross the way he shovels in the food, Raychel is a raspy clown and Pauler is a perv - plain and simple.

I miss the FN of old with the Two Fat Ladies, Sara Moulton, and hell even good old David Rosengarten. I'm sick of the whole food celebrity phenomenon. What ever happened to having someone who knows how to cook, that would be a novel idea. *Steps off soapbox*


Kathy said...

Kleetus wears his lack of education like a badge of honor with stuff like this:

"while Amica was still turning food for there patrons that did not even know we were coming. So once the dinning room was empty Guy and I were hittin it hard in the Kitchen we had some guest that wanted to help us cook Matt Cassell ( quarteback for the KC Chiefs) Joey Fatone,Taylor Dayne and let me tell yah Joey can cook, but Matt he should stick to throwing touchdowns. With the night coming to and end of great food and stories it was time to go to bed 5am to the airport was coming fast.

How many errors can you spot in there?

Marilyn said...

Let us count the ways: Paula Deen and her raunchy randy grandma routine, Robin Miller and her unhealthy fear of food, Sunny Anderson Cooking for Real (whatever that means!), the Neely's and their over the top PDA, the constant cake contests,...

Donna-FFW said...

Downhill, definitely, IMVHO. I enjoyed Sara Moulton too. Her chicken scarpariello is still my favorite. I honestly dont watch FTV but for maybe Barefoot Contessa(which nauseates me too at times), Tyler, and on occasion RR, 30 minutes meals. I know Im ducking the tomato you just tossed at me.

Anonymous said...

It's been downhill forever. I'm totally convinced that the FN & TWOP have an alliance because those non-chefs with "cooking" shows keep TWOP in the black. Sara Moulton, where are you?????

Angela in the WI

Hairball T. Hairball said...

How did they get that pic of donkey on a donkey?

Whenever I think about skipping the sunscreen, I think of Aunt Sandy's upper chest region and that always inspires me to put it on.

Anonymous said...

I don't watch Food Network anymore. It's not going downhill; it hit the valley sometime back. Still, I think the thing that annoys me about Internet culture is that it's OK to be as ugly and nasty in blogs/comments as possible, and no one objects. I'm objecting. For instance, what has Guy Fieri ever done to you that you think it's OK to call him a Lard Weasel/Tater Tot/Douche/etc.? I don't like all the bling, bleached hair, and whatnot, but he has a right to wear them, and I have a right not to watch. It's absolutely wrong to rip into these people personally. Am I the last person who values civility and decency?

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Anonymouse, please don't get your panties or briefs in a bind. I'm not attacking anyone personally. I am just offended by their personae that they project and over-sell.

And I certainly value civility and decency. That's why I call people out when they don't.

I call Guy TaterTot because he made a dish of tater tots in the oven, doused with olive oil, then when he took them out, he loaded them with more olive oil. Hence TaterTot.

Lard Weasel? OK. That's a little strong. My apologies to weasels everywhere.

And Douche? He's a douche.
No apology there.

Guy has absolutely every right to look like whatever he wants and wear whatever he wants. And I have my right to comment. And you have your right to disagree with me.

God Bless America.


And thank you for commenting.
I love it when people take the time to comment.

Anonymous said...

These people are only doing what the FN tells them to do for $$$$$.
It's time for some competition.

I miss Julia !