Monday, April 15, 2013

Epic Fail.

I apologize in advance.
Rosie hates to have her readers
start off on a Monday with this concoction,
but I think I need to bring it to your attention
in case you saw Rachael Ray swooning over it
and thought to yourself,
"Self?  You really ought to try this."

The entire time your gut reaction is
"No.  No.  No.
Don't open that cellar door!"
But you go ahead anyway and open the damn door
and a Rabid Killer Kitchen Aid Mixer
lunges at you, impaling and augering your gut
 with the dough hook.

 It was one of those things that
I just couldn't wrap my brain around.
And really didn't want to,
but I had to make it.

I'm not going to show you the money shot up front,
because you wouldn't read any further.
Trust me on this.

Note:  This "recipe" is not for the squeamish.
I got it from Rocco Dispirito
when he was on Rachael Ray's show.
It's Pasta al Pomodoro
and here's the REAL recipe for it.

and I've made omelet-in-a-bag,
so it was only time until I made Chicken Spaghetti.

I'm easing you into the Pasta al Pomodoro
by starting with a quick and simple tomato sauce.
Parmesan cheese
Freshly ground salt and pepper to taste

I keep basil plants growing in a south window
throughout the winter.
When I want fresh basil,
I want it now.

Peel and chop the tomatoes
and slice the shallots and garlic.

Sweat the shallot and garlic
 over medium low heat in a little oil.

Add in tomatoes and cook over low heat.

Add salt and pepper to taste, some grated Parmesan cheese,

and torn basil leaves.

And this is where I should have stopped,

Cut 6 ounces of chicken breast into a 1-inch dice.

Really, Rosie.
You need to stop.

Ingredients for Rocco DiSpirito's Pasta al Pomodoro
AKA Chicken Spaghetti:
6 ounces cold chicken breast, cut into 1-inch chunks
3/4 cup ice
3 TB meringue powder

I even had meringue powder in my pantry.
I'd used it years ago for an icing.

What exactly is meringue powder you ask?
According to the ingredients list,
it's corn starch, egg whites, sugar, gum arabic, calcium sulfate,
citric acid, cream of tartar, silicon dioxide,

And those flavors are vile.
There's something that hits you when you open the can.
I can't put my finger on it,
but I've smelled it before.
It's sickly sweet.

Undeterred, Rosie forged ahead.
Process ice and meringue powder ...
... until it looks like this.

Then add in chicken chunks.

Process away.

I offered the beaters and spatula
for Mr. Hawthorne to lick,
but he declined.

Funnel the mixture into a squeeze bottle.

Bring water to a boil
and squeeze the chicken mixture out of the bottle
in a steady stream into the boiling water, like spaghetti.
Cook for 30 seconds, then remove and set aside in a bowl.
Rocco says to "repeat until all of the chicken mixture is used."
I don't think so, Rocco.

Check out the videos.

Ta Daaaaa!
You know you want a bowl of this!

I took a bite.
I'm sorry.
I couldn't eat more than a bite.
I could still taste whatever artificiality
was in the meringue powder
and I know that flavor and smell does not occur in nature.

I'm trying to describe the texture.
There is no texture.

No amount of Parmesan can save this shit.
I'm trying to find the "best" side.
I took a big-ass hit for the team today.
You're welcome.

Now, you don't have to worry
about making this.

I probably should've saved this for April Fool's Day,
but I wanted to warn you now.
Screw it.
Don't do something unnatural to chicken.
That bird never hurt you.

Just season it and sauté it.

That's better.


Lori K said...

I just threw up a little in my mouth... :)

Anonymous said...

Gross! Not a fan of Rocco's at all and, after this I know why.

SweetPhyl said...

Lord deliver us from those who think they can create pasta from things other than flour, eggs and water. And let Rosie follow her gut when she thinks she probably should STOP RIGHT NOW. Amen.

Rosie Hawthorne said...

I knew it was going to be bad. But I still had to try it.

Lea said...

GAH! That looks like tomatoes on top of intestines. I think I'm scarred for life.

The Other Chesapeake Bay Retriever lady in Colington said...

Rosie--you are the best--I felt like I was right there in your kitchen--I still can't stop--laughing/between gags. What a mess

Yes--it does look like intestines--and the appearance has taken my appetite--which is not a bad thing.

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Thank you all for your comments.

Lori - I have a cast iron stomach. But this? It gave me pause.

NMOAC - Rocco did stand up for his Mama on whatever show he had when one of his employees disrespected her.

SweetPhyl - Amen. I knew it would be vile, but I just HAD to do it.

Rosie - You were right.

Lea - Yes. It does look like intestines. No argument there.

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Hey, The Other Chesapeake Bay Retriever lady in Colington. I'm curious now. I don't know who you are.

tortietat said...

This is definitely a case of foul fowl. Think I just may print out one of these pictures and keep it on the refrigerator door as an appetite suppressant!

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Tortietat, glad I could be of service.


Marilyn said...

Worms. Worms writhing on a plate, devouring what was once food. Scene from a horror movie.

Rocquie said...

Well, Rosie, your photos of the finished "product" are very good. I understand why you would try it--as much as you love to experiment in the kitchen. It looks like that foam you spray from a can. I think this is in the category my husband calls, "Just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Marilyn, I'm saving the rest of the squeeze bottle for Middle Hawthorne to chum up the water in the canal.

Sage Trifle, your husband hit the nail on the head. I say that every time I see Marie Osmond in that commercial where she puts on that dress her daughter dared her to wear from twenty years or so back.

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Dang it all. I get more comments from inedible food than I do for the good stuff.