Mr. Hawthorne's Shenanigans.

This is a very hard post for me to compose. Words escape me. Mr. Hawthorne was on a mission today: Take one of the most popular home-prepared American dishes, prepare it for me without my knowledge, and sit back and wait for my reaction. As he said in preface, "You made me that dish from the French Laundry, I want to make something for you." Here's the debate between us: All Mr. Hawthorne was doing was playing ... toying with me. He knew I'd hate it, but he wanted to make a point. "Sometimes," he says, "people need to 'fill the hole.' They need filler, so their bellies are full as quickly as possible." This is a foreign concept to me. CAVEAT: Mr. Hawthorne made me add this before I ragged on McD's and BK: THIS IS ALL MY OPINION. OK, Happy, Mr. H.? And Sister Hawthorne was always worried about whenever I would bitch about Sandra Lee. Geeze Louize. Don't these folks have much bigger fish to fry? That said. It's ALL MY OPINION. But that's the premise McDonald's and Burger King, et al operate on. Fill the hole and bring 'em back for more. The hell with healthy food. Oversize it. Fry it.

Even if they like eating them, most people recognize that processed burgers and synthetic chips, served up in paper and plastic containers, is junk-food. McDonald's prefer the name "fast-food". This is not just because it is manufactured and serve up as quickly as possible - it has to be eaten quickly too.

Chewing is essential for good health, as it promotes the flow of digestive juices which break down the food and send nutrients into the blood. McDonald's food is so lacking in bulk it is hardly possible to chew it. Even their own figures show that a "quarter-pounder" is 48% water. This sort of fake food encourages over-eating, and the high sugar and sodium content can make people develop a kind of addiction - a 'craving'. That means more profit for McDonald's, but constipation, clogged arteries and heart attacks for many customers.

Super Size Me. And here's more. Back to our debate: "Sometimes," Mr. H. says, "this is the most economical way someone can get food on the table." Me: "But it's horrible 'food'. " Him: " They don't know that." Me: "How wouldn't they? That's just sad." Him: "You're a food snob." Me: "No, I'm not. Simple, inexpensive ingredients can be put together to make wholesome, flavorful meals without a lot of effort. Meals that are much better than that crap you made tonight." Ah. We are in overload. We're fighting about the same thing. Back to dinner: He made me leave the room for 20 minutes while he prepared this.

Although red flags were flying all over the place, I agreed to this. OK, I'll play. I told him to take lots of pictures. Pictures by Mr. Hawthorne. Mr. Hawthorne has prepared and served the dish to me and now I've uploaded the pictures and I am trying to comment but words just fail me.

93% lean hamburger goes into the skillet. My man won't skimp on ingredients for me!

Oh Sweet Baby Jesus. Store bought pasta and Hamburger Helper Stroganoff. Sorry, but I'm not a fan of pasta. I can eat my homemade pasta, but I do not like store bought.

From the other room, I heard the tea kettle whistling. Apparently he needed one cup of hot water.

A packet of white chemicals goes in: enriched pasta (semolina wheat, durum wheat, niacin, ferrous sulfate, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, iron, thiamin mononitrate, riboflavin, folic acid), corn starch, whey, salt, hydrolyzed vegetable protein (corn, soy, wheat), monosodium glutamate, dried tomato, artificial color, sugar, lactic acid, maltodextrin, partially hydrogenated soybean oil, citic acid, calcium lactate, monoglycerides, natural flavor, onion powder, parsley flakes, tapioca maltodextrin, mushroom powder, autolyzed yeast extract, spices, garlic powder, beef stock, butter, disodium inosinate, disodium guanylate, egg. Contains wheat, milk, soy, and egg ingredients.

I am afraid. I am very afraid.

He added 2 cups of milk to the hamburger. MILK and HAMBURGER!!!!! WTF?????

This disgusts me. "But," Mr. Hawthorne enthusiastically informs me, "this is a one dish meal!" Mmmmkay. That's supposed to be a good point.

Bless his little black heart. He thought he could gourmet it up and trick me by adding sherry.

Mr. Hawthorne called me to a very monochromatic dinner. "Perhaps a bit of fresh parsley would help," he says. I don't think so. You know, while I was sitting in the other room, thinking about what he could possibly be making, I asked him, "What's that crap with pasta and hamburger, and sour cream that I can't think of the name of?" "You mean beef stroganoff?" "Yeah, that shit." Karma, man. It'll bite you in the ass every time. Now, just remember, I didn't know what he was making this whole time. Then I nailed it. And was invited to dinner. First, I took a bite of pasta. Extremely salty. Then I took a bite of the meat. It was just horrible. Then, Mr. Hawthorne asked me, "Could either one of us swallow that oyster jelly crap you made from the French Laundry the other day?" "No." "But, at least you swallowed this, twice." Well, yes I swallowed a bite of overly salty pasta and nasty beef, but it almost came back up. Mr. Hawthorne tells me this is what is being fed to American Children - pasta and chemicals. And they like it. And the food provider can get it from start to table in 25 minutes. This is horribly sad to me. It's a pitiful comment on the gastronomic state of America. One time, Mr. Hawthorne was "cooking" dinner for the kids. He opened up a can of Spaghettios. I was aghast. "I can fix spaghetti. Give me an hour." (That's to make sauce from scratch, plus the garlic/parsley toasts.) "No," he says, "they want to eat now." The smell from the can made me heave. Again, a sad state of culinary expectations. I could not eat this dish. You just can't polish a turd. You can sugar coat it, but it's still a sugar-coated turd. Mr. Hawthorne's retort: "At least wifey swallowed it."

Once again, Dixie gets a home-cooked meal. I imagine she'll need to go outside tonight before bedtime. Oh, now Mr. Hawthorne is trying to clarify. Oh, I think he's trying to polish that damn turd. He says he was not trying to set me out to be a food snob. He wanted to present to me what most of America considers acceptable. And because I have the luxury of picking and choosing the ingredients not to mention having the time of preparation available to me, that's why Mr. H. thought of me as a food snob. His point in preparing this dish, was to show me what a lot of Americans are eating tonight. It was unpalatable to me. If that makes me a food snob then so be it. If I couldn't eat the French Laundry's vile presentation of Cauliflower Panna Cotta with Oyster Jelly which would cost you upwards of $240 for a 17 course tasting meal, does that make me a food snob? Or does it just make me someone with taste buds and a discerning palate? Mr. Hawthorne's last remark: "Rosie, Cover your ass." OK, Mr. Hawthorne. HERE'S THE DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THESE ARE NOT FACTS. THIS IS ALL MY OPINION. nothing i say means anything you paranoid little man.