The Joys Of Adding Hardware.

A few days ago, I was trying to print something out and my printer kept shooting blanks. I checked the ink levels in both cartridges and replaced both with new cartridges. Still shooting blanks. Oh well, planned obsolescence. The thing that really bothers me is that I wasted two perfectly good cartridges in order to determine that my printer was shot. Reminds me of the time my Daddy had a little accident. One of the garbage trucks had come around the bend in front of Daddy's office and plowed into his car. Basically totaled it. Daddy, as I recall, was so upset mainly because he'd just put a full tank of gas in his car. And this was when gas was maybe 50 cents a gallon. And Daddy owned the Exxon dealership in Danville at the time. Bummer. I'm sure I had more money in the cartridges than Daddy did in his tank. So I hied my ass to Staples and bought an off the shelf, discontinued model, for an extra 10% off. It's an HP Photosmart C4385. I'm so 'cited. I get home, hook everything up and try to print the alignment page out. Of course, it doesn't print. Nothing comes out except white pages. I call Staples, since I bought their service plan. They give me Hewlett Packards number. I call 1-800-474-6836, in case anybody needs to know. I go through the agonizing menu. I answer questions. I jump through hoops. I sell my mother to a prostitution ring in Indonesia. Finally, I hear from an ecstatic automated system: " You're doing GREAT!" "We're almost there!" God, just give me a gold star and send me out to the playground. FINALLY, Carlos comes on the line. We go through obscure directions, all the time I'm asking him, "How do I tell how much ink is in the cartridges." He responds with, "Do not bother your mind with such questions. I will tell you what to do. Just listen to me." He proceeded to give me directions to push the gray button, then the blue button, then the green button, now press cancel and the red button simultaneously. I went through numerous menus and was getting thoroughly pissed. I kept trying to tell Carlos that I bought the printer off the shelf and I don't know how much ink is left in the cartridges. Even if nothing were in there, I'd think something would print, just maybe a smudge, wouldn't it? I am Service Order #QXA069-02. After 45 minutes, during which time, Carlos asked me to check to see if the plastic was peeled off the contacts on the cartridges - DUH - he finally concluded that the cartridges were, indeed, empty. Good thing I bought new cartridges with the printer. I installed the new cartridges and the printer worked like a charm. Yes. I feel stoopid. But I did get Carlos to send me two new cartridges for my troubles. So let's move on to tonight, shall we? I still hadn't installed the software for the printer and I had to print something out tonight, so I was forced to bite the bullet and install the damn software. Guess what. I get an error message: "Printer not activated. Error - code 30. Just freakin' great. I call HP back up at 10:30 pm, go through the interminable menu - ""You're doing Great. We're almost there." And finally get Ivan. Service order #8014477690. Ivan needs to take charge of my computer. And I freakin' HATE it when that happens. I want to know Ivan's address, his phone number, and the names of his children. I relinquish my computer to Ivan and watch as my mouse - no, make that Ivan's mouse - goes all over my computer into folders, control panel, wherever Ivan wants to go. I am nervous at this point. I've had this done to me before with tech support and I HATE IT. Finally, Ivan takes care of the printer and it works. I'm thinking at this point I should hold Ivan on the line while I connect my laptop to the printer via wireless. But STOOPID ME thinks everything will be fine and I will be able to connect my laptop with NO PROBLEMS. At 11:50pm I'm doing GREAT, I'm almost THERE. I am case # 8014477690. Then I get Homer. I called him Homer for a good 30 minutes. Then I finally figured out his name was OMAR. Folks, do you see a pattern here? I talked to NO ONE tonight whose first language was English. I had a hell of a time understanding anyone and kept asking Carlos, Ivan, and Omar to repeat themselves because I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND a one of them. Of course, Omar/Homer took control of my laptop and the cursor flew across the screen going here and there and INTO FIREWALLS I noticed. I asked Omar/Homer, "How could a normal person with limited intelligence figure this all out?" "They cannot," he responded. Finally, my laptop could print wirelessly to my printer. How? I don't know. I DO KNOW that Omar is in Mexico. At 12:35 am, I hung up. Exhausted.