Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Rosie Makes Penis Bread For Donna Of My Tasty Treasures.

Donna, of My Tasty Treasures blogdom, recently contacted me and asked if I would do a guest post on her blog. I'm very excited about this prospect and truly honored by Donna's request. Now Donna has been known to interject little sexual innuendoes into her blog posts, all innocent and all in good fun, that is, when she's not having sex with her FFH (firefighter husband) on the kitchen table, in the hot tub, in the pool, in the back seat of her car, in the hammock (that sounds dangerous), in the jacuzzi, in the firetruck on the way to a 5-alarm ... no, just kidding. I think. Maybe not. Who knows? I just wonder how the hell Donna has time to blog and take care of her passel of children and visit the 200+ blog sites she manages to follow and have all the sex she has much less actually cook. But she does. The woman must be exhausted. Donna, do you ever sleep? The mind. It boggles. I guess Donna is a consummate multi-tasker. So Donna, in the true spirit of My Tasty Treasures, I offer you ... Rosie's Penis Bread.
My ingredients: 1 cup warm water 2 packages yeast 2 TB sugar 2 eggs 1/4 cup ELBOO (That's Rachespeak for Extra Light Bertolli Olive Oil.) 2 - 2 1/2 cups bread flour 1 teaspoon freshly ground salt 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
First I poured the yeast into the warm water ...
... and sprinkled the sugar over top. Stir a bit to dissolve, then leave it alone for a few minutes ...
... until the yeast proofs, i.e. gets all foamy and bubbly and happy. That way you know you have active yeast.
Add in the eggs and mix well.
Add in the oil, stirring.
I didn't list this - vital wheat gluten - in my ingredients list because I know most people don't have it and I've actually never used it before. I saw it at Harris Teeter one day and decided to give it a try. But it's not necessary.
It promises higher rising loaves and improved shape and penis bread is nothing if not about the higher rising and improved shape.
Four teaspoons of the gluten went in. Now for the flour. Notice I said 2 - 2 1/2 cups flour. It all depends - on the humidity, on your mood, on the alignment of the planets, on your religious denomination, on your sexual orientation, and, well, just a bunch of extraneous factors. When adding flour, don't just dump the whole amount called for all at once. Add in 1/2 cup at a time and stir it (I always use a fork.) until incorporated.
Here's the first cup of flour.
And here's what the dough looks like after the second cup of flour went in.
At this point I salted and peppered the dough ...
... and turned it out onto my lightly floured board with a 1/2 cup of flour ready to sprinkle in as needed.
I started kneading the dough and when it got sticky, I'd just sprinkle flour on it. The dough will tell you what it needs.
I probably kneaded this for 20-25 minutes, letting the dough and myself rest a few times for a couple of minutes.
And here's my nice little ball of dough - smooth and elastic.
I poured a little ELBOO in a large bowl, put in my dough, and turned a few times to coat. Cover with plastic wrap.
I know I've said this many times before but it bears repeating. Wet a kitchen towel, nuke it for 90 seconds, and wrap it around your bowl, leaving it in the microwave. The steam and heat help in the rising.
Here's my dough after 2 hours.
Flour your fist and punch down.
The dough is very elastic and pliable.
Flour the board and knead the dough some more, adding a sprinkling of flour if it gets sticky.
Form the dough into a log and let it sit for 5 minutes.
While the dough was sitting, I prepared my glass bread tube. I just oiled the inside, then added salt and pepper. Here's where you can go to find one of these jewels.
Remember, proper lubrication is very important, as is protection.
At this point, I put the dough back into my turned-off oven for it's second rising. About an hour, maybe more. You'll be able to look at the dough and see if it's ready. Trust me on this.
In the meantime, Sammy Homemaker came home. Mr. Hawthorne has lovely, shapely legs. Dixie doesn't like the vacuum cleaner. She likes to go to her safe place when vacuum cleaners are involved.
And it's ready to go into a preheated 350 degree oven for baking. 30 minutes.
Oooh lookey. My flaccid dough has magically transformed into a burgeoning package, throbbing against its confines and trying to burst out of the denim constraints of my kitchen. A glass of ice water, please. Rosie fans self.
Now it's time for the protection to come off.
Ta-daaaaa! We have Penis Bread. Beau is expressing an interest in Rosie's bread.
Rosie gently examines her loaf.
She caresses it lovingly.
She examines the erect loaf from all angles.
She tries it on for size.
Thanks again, Donna, for inviting me to guest post. Hope this has satisfied your appetites. (wink wink)


Marilyn said...

Oh my. Too funny.

And I'm not sure my husband even knows how to operate a vacuum cleaner, but that could just be a clever ruse.

Rosie Hawthorne said...

Yeah, Mar. It was like when the kids were infants and cried.
And Mr. Hawthorne would always say,
"They want YOU."

Another ruse.

Anonymous said...

Like Marilyn said, Oh My!!
And one of the sexiest things my husband does is clean the kitchen floor. Turns. Me. On.

Rose II said...

Hee hee! Love the shot of you chomping into it!

petite nyonya said...

I saw this on Donna's blog & thought I'll drop by yours to say this "Rosie, you rock!".

Anonymous said...

You could sell that bread at the Adult gormet food store

Hairball T. Hairball said...

*snorting laughter*