Donna, of My Tasty Treasures blogdom,
recently contacted me and asked if I would do
a guest post on her blog.
I'm very excited about this prospect
and truly honored by Donna's request.
Now Donna has been known to
interject little sexual innuendoes
into her blog posts,
all innocent and all in good fun,
that is, when she's not having
sex with her FFH (firefighter husband)
on the kitchen table,
in the hot tub,
in the pool,
in the back seat of her car,
in the hammock
(that sounds dangerous),
in the jacuzzi,
in the firetruck on the way to a 5-alarm ...
no, just kidding.
I think.
Maybe not.
Who knows?
I just wonder how the hell Donna
has time to blog
and take care of her passel of children
and visit the 200+ blog sites she manages to follow
and have all the sex she has
much less actually cook.
But she does.
The woman must be exhausted.
Donna, do you ever sleep?
The mind.
It boggles.
I guess Donna is a consummate multi-tasker.
So Donna, in the true spirit of
My Tasty Treasures,
I offer you ...
Rosie's Penis Bread.
My ingredients:
1 cup warm water
2 packages yeast
2 TB sugar
2 eggs
1/4 cup ELBOO
(That's Rachespeak for Extra Light Bertolli Olive Oil.)
2 - 2 1/2 cups bread flour
1 teaspoon freshly ground salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
... and sprinkled the sugar over top.
Stir a bit to dissolve,
then leave it alone for a few minutes ...
... until the yeast proofs,
i.e. gets all foamy and bubbly and happy.
That way you know you have active yeast.
I didn't list this - vital wheat gluten -
in my ingredients list
because I know most people don't have it
and I've actually never used it before.
I saw it at Harris Teeter one day
and decided to give it a try.
But it's not necessary.
It promises higher rising loaves
and improved shape
and penis bread is nothing
if not about the higher rising and improved shape.
Four teaspoons of the gluten went in.
Now for the flour.
Notice I said 2 - 2 1/2 cups flour.
It all depends -
on the humidity,
on your mood,
on the alignment of the planets,
on your religious denomination,
on your sexual orientation,
and, well, just a bunch of extraneous factors.
When adding flour,
don't just dump the whole amount called for
all at once.
Add in 1/2 cup at a time
and stir it
(I always use a fork.)
until incorporated.
... and turned it out onto my lightly floured board
with a 1/2 cup of flour ready to sprinkle in as needed.
I started kneading the dough
and when it got sticky,
I'd just sprinkle flour on it.
The dough will tell you what it needs.
I probably kneaded this for 20-25 minutes,
letting the dough and myself
rest a few times for a couple of minutes.
I poured a little ELBOO
in a large bowl,
put in my dough,
and turned a few times to coat.
Cover with plastic wrap.
I know I've said this many times before
but it bears repeating.
Wet a kitchen towel,
nuke it for 90 seconds,
and wrap it around your bowl,
leaving it in the microwave.
The steam and heat help in the rising.
While the dough was sitting,
I prepared my glass bread tube.
I just oiled the inside,
then added salt and pepper.
Here's where you can go to find one of these jewels.
At this point, I put the dough
back into my turned-off oven
for it's second rising.
About an hour, maybe more.
You'll be able to look at the dough
and see if it's ready.
Trust me on this.
In the meantime, Sammy Homemaker came home.
Mr. Hawthorne has lovely, shapely legs.
Dixie doesn't like the vacuum cleaner.
She likes to go to her safe place when vacuum cleaners are involved.
Oooh lookey.
My flaccid dough has magically transformed into a
burgeoning package,
throbbing against its confines
and trying to burst out of
the denim constraints of my kitchen.
A glass of ice water, please.
Rosie fans self.
Thanks again, Donna,
for inviting me to guest post.
Hope this has satisfied your appetites.
(wink wink)
Oh my. Too funny.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not sure my husband even knows how to operate a vacuum cleaner, but that could just be a clever ruse.
Yeah, Mar. It was like when the kids were infants and cried.
ReplyDeleteAnd Mr. Hawthorne would always say,
"They want YOU."
Another ruse.
Like Marilyn said, Oh My!!
ReplyDeleteAnd one of the sexiest things my husband does is clean the kitchen floor. Turns. Me. On.
Hee hee! Love the shot of you chomping into it!
ReplyDeleteI saw this on Donna's blog & thought I'll drop by yours to say this "Rosie, you rock!".
ReplyDeleteYou could sell that bread at the Adult gormet food store
ReplyDelete*snorting laughter*
ReplyDelete