Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Joys Of Wind Chimes ... NOT!

Several years ago, an old friend of mine with ... how should I put this delicately ... painfully questionable tastes ... sent me this for Christmas.

It is a wind chime. Now to say that I dislike wind chimes would be the mother of all understatements. I abhor wind chimes. I detest them. I loathe them.

Here, inside, is the clacker.
The noise, the din, the racket, the clamor, the utter auditory assault that this particular "chime" makes is horrific. It is painful to the ears. It sounds like an out-of-tune cow bell. It is God-awful.
Have I mentioned that I HATE wind chimes?

Now, I live on the Outer Banks, right down the road from
where the Wright Brothers first flew.
The Brothers came here because ... we have wind. And lots of it.
We have hurricanes.
We have nor'easters.
This freakin' bell would wake the dead.

So I took this monstrosity and hung it on the Christmas stocking hook on the mantel where it wouldn't receive even the slightest bit of breeze to illicit
its infernal clamoring.

My dear friend, Maxine, came down a few days later for her annual Christmas visit. She took one look at this thing hanging from my mantel and asked me, "What the hell is THAT?"
I grabbed it off its hook, shook it furiously, while yelling, "It's a WIND CHIME! It's a GD EFFing WIND CHIME! AND I HAAAAAATE WIND CHIMES!!!!!!!

An odd expression came over Maxine's face as she hesitantly handed over her Christmas present to me, saying,
"You know, if you don't like it you can exchange it."
It was at that precise moment that I knew exactly what my present from Maxine was ... yes ... a wind chime.

As I struggled to remove my foot firmly entrenched in my mouth, I gushed, "Oh, but this is DIFFERENT! I LOVE this one. See it has a Lab on it! I'll just hang it right here on this hook on my mantel!" Maxine and I had previously owned sister Labrador Retrievers, so Labs have always had a special place in my heart.

See, here's a little lab on the top.

And here's another little Lab on the bottom, albeit a goofy looking
one what with his tongue hanging like that.

Thanks Maxine, I LOVE it!!!!!!

So, what is it about wind chimes that makes them multiply?
Later on, we had some house guests. And just guess what my hostess gift was?
I guess they saw my "collection" of wind chimes, and a light bulb went off, and BAM! perfect present.

Living at the beach as I do, I dislike all things "beachy" or nautical when it comes to home decor. So, you can imagine my joy at receiving a

Now, I've been saving the pee-yess of ray-zees-tahns (that's Sandy-speak) for the end. This was a Christmas present and it absolutely SCREAMS Rosie.

It's all Krosses and Krystals!

In addition to the usual chimes, this one has an extra speshul llllllil
noisemaker ... err ... melodic bell at the bottom.

Let the mellifluous, melodious, mellisonant, dulcet tones
of my Aeolian chimes commence.

In closing, just let me say one thing, and Niece Hawthorne, I'm lookin' at you.
When you're thinking of getting Rosie a present for whatever occasion, try to resist the almost over-powering urge to purchase a wind chime.
Thank you.


Marilyn said...

Wow, now I know just the perfect gift for you! Just kidding! But I guess you've never heard the lovely tones of the Bells of Vienna. Too bad. Now I've just got to convince my husband to pay that much...

Marilyn said...

'Sides, haven't you ever heard that the more you dislike your neighbor, the closer to his house you place your wind chimes? Just sayin'...

Rosie Hawthorne said...

But I'd still hear the damn things and it's not like everybody and their cousin doesn't already have these things in their yards and on their decks. Noise POLLUTION! It's horrible. It's bad enough that I have to hear the clanking of the wires and thingies against the masts of the sail boats. Wind chimes will be the downfall of this society.

Anonymous said...


Rosie Hawthorne said...

Oui, tu.

Zeno said...

....I don't know, I think it would make a lovely tablescape? With a little blace lace from the fabric store?