Cooking With Cleavage Or The Lack Thereof.

Feeling bad (eh, not really) about picking on Giada's "overexposure," I thought I'd check out other Food Network celebrities and see what they were up to, wardrobe-wise. Sunday afternoon, I tuned in to Rachael Ray, who was on her vacation in France, in which she eats her way across the country, no doubt giving the French more reasons to hate Americans. Here's the description from the Food Network site, which is one of the worst sites EVER to navigate seeing as it is apparently designed by crack monkeys.

Oh my.

I guess France doesn't have any mirrors.

Why on earth does the cameraman shoot from this unflattering, unattractive angle? Oh, I guess there isn't a flattering and attractive one.

Rachael has never been one known for her fashion sense ...

but, Geeze Louize ...

this is a sartorial disaster.

And every place Rachael went to in France, she had on this little number. She never changed.

One thing I have to remark on ... she was at some restaurant dining outside in the garden, and she was using her "inside voice," which I didn't know she had. Who'd a thunk? She still sounded like a raspy, 4-pack-a-day-Marlboro-red smoker, but it wasn't as bad as her howler/screacher monkey voice with accompanying wild gesticulations (my apologies to howler and screacher monkeys).

Have another glass of wine, Rachael. It's OK.

Then I was watching Sandra Lee's Bring On The Heat episode. After assembling a bunch of crapped-up shit, and concocting an alcoholic gacktail called, quite fittingly, a Lush Lagoon (which of course had the requisite choking hazard, in this case, kiwi), she headed upstairs to change into a "pretty lllllilllll party dress" for her imaginary friends.

And she giddily bounced back onto the scene after commercial in this little outfit. Notice that for Sandy, looks are more important than food, or how it tastes. It's all about "prisontation."

Everything must be color-coordinated.

Here's Sandra's signature double crab claw wave goodbye. And trust me - her left hand is up in the air waving.

CanIjesttellya... that Lush Lagoon is delishush!

Remember: Keep it simple. Keep it alcoholic. And always keep it semi-homade.

Milli Vanilli, where's my bottle of Vanella Vodka????!!?? And this would not be complete without the infamous Sunset Clambake episode. This video has my most favoritest line ever from Sandra. (And it's so random and so TOTALLY DISJOINTED, I freakin' love it.) Here goes: "I love being outside. Doncha just love outside? The ocean or if it was a lake ... that would be good too. You're in your bathing suit, a sundress, you're relaxed ... I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT WATERMELON FIZZ." Here, at 2:11 into the video. Sorry it's blurred. Please enjoy. Doesn't get much better than this. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT WATERMELON FIZZ!!!!!!