Wardrobe Malfunctions.

I always love a good wardrobe malfunction. First, there was Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake at whatever Superbowl it was. Here are the lyrics to Rock Your Body, the song they sang when the inevitable happened. The last line is: Are you feeling me? Let's do something Let's make a bet Cause I, gotta have you naked by the end of this song. Now, seeing as MTV was producing this halftime show, would not the IIC (Idiots In Charge) know that MTV was producing this halftime show, and have an inkling of what possibly could happen, and KNOW that MTV was producing this ? It's MTV, fer cryin' out loud. So, at that last line, Cause I, gotta have you naked by the end of this song, (And I don't know why there's that comma after I.) Justin Timberlake ripped off the studded bodice with easily unsnappable snaps over Janet's upper torso and exposed her right bosom which had a strategically placed, (i.e., covering over the nipple), nipple guard over Janet's teat, because Heavens-to-Betsy, if anyone sees a nip, they're gonna get Mad Cow Disease and go blind. Justin claimed, "Wardrobe Malfunction!" Janet claimed, "OOPS!" I claimed, "Bull Shit!" Who the heck wears nipple guards unless you're planning to bare your breast and have it displayed on National TV in front of millions at a SUPER BOWL? I mean, if you're a lady, I guess you wear nipple guards or cone bras if you're Madonna. It was a carefully planned, orchestrated, choreographed, childish, self-absorbed stunt. Designed to titillate. To startle. To create controversy. But the sad thing is, it didn't do all that much. I believe Janet was banned from the MTV awards show that year, although Justin Timberlake, who RIPPED Janet's clothes off, exposing her, was there. And Janet was the one who apologized. She let herself be used. Blatantly and shamefully. I guess even bad publicity is good publicity. We're so jaded now. We are so used to having this thrown in our faces, that nobody cares./? (Read that last sentence, first, with the period at the end. Read it again with the question mark. I meant it both ways. ) Perhaps only the FCC cares. Because this was the kind of issue that didn't jive with their rules and laws- which, sadly, shouldn't have to be laws and rules - because it all should reside in our innate common decency, our common sense, our respect, our humanity, and our selves. I wondered too, when the PTB (Powers That Be) got Roseanne, of all people, to sing the National Anthem. Roseanne! Who on earth would think that would be a good idea? She's a shrieking harpie. You know she can't sing. Why would you disgrace and disrespect our NATIONAL ANTHEM? I seriously would like to know the name of the person who OK'd that. And I'd like to know what he/she is doing now. Leaning against a corner building in LA, NYC holding a coffee cup, and a sign, "A Penny For My Stupid Thoughts?" Oh wait, he's probably a CEO at Citicorp, GM/Chrysler, Enron, or AIG. What the hell are these people smoking? Are they all frickin' crack monkeys? But I digress. Back to wardrobe malfunctions Monday night, on Dancing With The Stars, Lil Kim apparently had a wardrobe malfunction. If you don't know who Lil Kim is, let me enlighten you. Nee (with an accent ague over that first e) Kimberly Denise Jones, Lil' Kim, as she likes to be called, but I won't since that apostrophe makes no sense whatsoever (I could get on with Li'l' Kim, but whatever.), is a notorious, Grammy winning rapper/singer. See her Wikipedia entry here. Anyways, Lil Kim joined a string of random D-list "celebrities" including some rather obscure "famous" folks for Season 8 of Dancing With The Stars, which, in case you didn't realize it, is LIVE!!!!!! IT'S DAHNCING WITH THE STAHS! Now, the very first episode of this season - (I don't remember if it was when that insipid, vacuous Samantha Harris was interviewing Lil Kim or during the filler fluff vignettes they do during practicing.)- I heard the greatest quote EVAH: Lil Kim: "The first time I ever watched Dancing With The Stars was when I was in prison." Seriously, that is a freakin' awesome statement. Lil Kim, You ROCK! Here's a description from Wikipedia of Lil Kim's prison stint:

Prison sentence and release

On March 17, 2005, Kim was convicted of three counts of conspiracy and one count of perjurygrand jury about her friends' involvement in a 2001 shooting outside the Hot 97 studios in Manhattan. for lying to a Federal

During the trial of her co-manager, Damion "D-Roc" Butler, and her bodyguard, Suif "Gutta" Jackson, a former member of the hip-hop group Junior M.A.F.I.A, she testified not to have known they were at the scene.^[16] However, video footage from a security camera placed all three at the scene, exiting the building. This directly contravened testimony before the grand jury.^[17]

Butler and Jackson have since pled guilty to gun charges. Jackson was sentenced, in U.S. District Court, to twelve years in federal prison as part of plea bargain in which he admitted to firing at least twenty rounds during the incident. The length of the sentence was said to have been influenced by his previous gun-related convictions.^[18]

In July 2005, Kim was sentenced to a one-year-and-a-day, thirty days home detention upon release from custody and three years of probation. She requested to serve her time at prison camp in Connecticut in order to be close to her mother, however, she was ordered to report to the Federal Detention Center in Philadelphia^[19] instead where she served the entirety of her sentence.^[20]

Regarding her sentence, an attorney for Kim stated, "A year and a day is actually less than a year sentence, because according to federal sentencing guidelines, if there's an extra day, time is credited to you". A parole bill was filed that reduced her sentence.^{[citations needed]} She was released on September 19, 2006, after serving approximately 10 months.^[21]

But wait. It gets better. Lil Kim goes on to say, "I'm dedicating my first dance to all my girls in the Federal Detention Center."

That just warmed my heart cockles and I feel tears ready to spew.

I'm going to have projectile weeping.

Then, Lil Kim and partner, Derek Hough, danced the Jive to Jailhouse Rock, of all songs, but one which I think was a particularly inspired and brilliant selection for Lil Kim. It truly doesn't get much better than this.

Oh my goodness. I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Last Monday night, I taped Dancing With The Stars. Tuesday morning, I read in the paper about the wardrobe malfunction, so I got my tape out and watched carefully. I would've thought the accident would have happened during the dance, but, no, miraculously, it was after.

Here's my video of it. Check it out when Lil Kim comes back to her mark after hugging Carrie Ann. I zoomed in right then and maybe for like 2/10 of a second there was something I couldn't even make out what it was. I really can't see anything, especially since host Tom Bergeron, ever the gentleman, barred the camera view and "assisted" in the cover up. I also read that this incident was censored for the delicate sensibilities and discriminating tastes of our West Coast populace. At least they were spared from the prurient, ribald, ruttish, lascivious, salacious, lewdness of Lil Kim's wanton display of debauchery. And please notice that I'm not tagging (labeling) this post at the bottom with any of those adjectives because I'd have freaks on this blog like stink on shit and monkeys on an ice cream cone.

Here's a link that shows the entire dance routine and I think the point at 2:03 shows way more than what Tom was tending to.

Oh golly.

I just watched it closely.

Look at 6: 21 into the video.

I spotted a definite areola.

Enjoy.

Oh ...

And Buckykatt?

I hope this will sustain you until my next Giada update.

I believe I saw her make a MAGNIFICENT RACK of lamb today.