Food Network Memo To The Rache: Sex It Up.

I had the misfortune to tune into Rachael Ray's new episode, Momma Mia. It started out like all her others - with an absurdly ridiculous "carry."

And she actually bragged about this particular "carry."

Then I noticed something else.

Something disturbing. Mama Mia, indeed.

Apparently RayRay received this memo from Kermit (aka Bob Tuschman)

and Medusa (aka Susie Fogelson)

of Food Network:

Dear Rachael,

Please consider this as constructive criticism.

Enclosed, you will find a videotape

of fellow Food Network Star, Giada De Laurentiis.

Please examine this closely.

Notice Giada's attire.

Notice Giada's Reach.

Her BendOver.

We think it would behoove you

to incorporate some of these moves into your own repertoire.

Good luck.

XOXOXOX Bob & Susie

Wait just a minute. Back to Kermit: "What led me to Food Network? Getting hit by a car, actually." Well, that explains volumes. ...

"Early one morning, while biking up West End Ave,

I got hit head-on by a car, flipped in the air

and landed flat on my back on the concrete." It's all getting clearer to me now.

"... For some unknowable reason, I escaped having permanent damage." Sorry, Tuschie, but I don't think so. Warning: The following contains disturbing images and may not be appropriate for younger ... or older ... or any age viewers for that matter ... or those with weak hearts ... or those with ... a grain of taste. Proceed at your own risk.

Hey, I can do this.

This is a piece of cake.

And Giada, you got nuttin' on my girls! Ladies and Gentlemen,

RayRay has her own moves. I give you the

the Rachael East/West Split.

The Rachael Foodgasm.

The Rachael Bendover.

Yikes!

The Rachael Reach.

Heheh. She's got a couple of "nice sized chicken breasts."